I sat on the edge of the cliff today, I practiced breathing and worked on not jumping. I know that I'm unraveling because something small can trigger me so deeply. I break down then I am screaming, as I drive aimlessly, with tears running down my face and I hear me yelling "what the fuck is wrong with me?" over and over again and screaming "why can't I get my shit together?"… And as I sit here on this cliff and think about how much it would hurt if I jumped and I wonder if that pain would be more than the pain I'm feeling in my soul. And I feel guilty because I'm blessed that I have a good life; I have the most amazing Village, the most beautiful loving fabulous children and grandchildren. I'm not starving, at least not from the hunger of food, but my soul is starving to be fed and loved by someone who really gets me. It's blazing hot right now on the edge, and yet a cool breeze makes its way up from the canyon and I close my eyes and I lean my head back and I beg for relief... I beg to get it and to be gotten... I beg for me to let go of suffering. And I beg for the realization of my gifts... I beg for the courage to lean in and fulfill my purpose... I beg for the anchor that will hold me steady and yet let me ride the ripples of waves. I beg to feel held and yet free to feel loved and to love ... I beg to listen to my guides and angels to let them surround me to let their words to be clear in my ears to feel solid and purposeful and free and wanted. I beg to be brave enough to love with all I have and know that, that is enough to feel at home with someone and for me to be the home for them.
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