conception... connection or obligation June 9, 2017

In her splendor ... it's June and I'm at my writing desk that my nephew brought me from my family home in the mountains. I was hoping that it would connect me to my ancestors, to the people whose love for generations brought me into being… Then I pause… Maybe it wasn't necessarily generations of people loving or showing love physically that brought me here… Maybe some of the combining of sperm and eggs were brought from love and desire, but much could've been joined by obligation or guilt… It's odd to think of those moments… I hope there was a connection and love, or at least consent, then I remember the words of my mother when she was processing the pregnancy of her unwed daughter at 19 ... "if you're married you have to do that, but if you're not, why would you want to?" ... I remember that moment, the epiphany of the sadness for my mom; had she never felt desire and wanting?… Was it just a chore?… Knowing my father he didn't care about anyone but himself and his own pleasures. Maybe that knowing of my conception 10 years between my siblings and I, the unhappy my parents were, the surprise I was and probably the burden on my mom to stay longer in the bed that she had made… Maybe that's why I long so much for connection, for desire and love, to be wanted.... for the combining of souls not just bodies for the touching on levels deeper than our skin… For being reached for,  not just reaching… For being consumed yet made to feel free. 

6-9-17