Grasping for what might save me this time...
For the last six months I've watched this young girl stick all kinds of crazy things in a hole in her arm ....from the beginning an 2-3 inch piece of a chain-link fence... to screws... buttons... glass... inside of pens...ear buds from her iPod....pieces of her wall or wood from her bed. every time she does it, I see the pain in her eyes and I wonder why she keeps doing it. I think, can't she see that her arm can get infected and she could lose her arm and it baffles me. For months I've watched this trauma to her arm over and over, I feel helpless in how to reach her, and I just keep thinking why can't she see it. And then last night when I'm running on no sleep on a graveyard shift after a full day of work... I get an epiphany, the kind I get when my body is tired and my spirit has less armor up, I am doing the same thing to my soul I keep sticking crazy foreign objects into the holes of my soul trying and trying to fill the emotional pain with the other pain .... thinking maybe if I control the pain going into me then it doesn't control me. If I give myself this pain then maybe it will dull the deep rooted anguish in my soul. Can't I see that it's infected and oozing that pieces of my wholeness are getting amputated ... I see the look in the eyes of the people watching me and it's the same as the look of confusion the doctors give the girl physically self harming. They can't understand why I can't comprehend the damage I'm doing, why I can't stop .... when I'm in fear I reach for someone to fill up the hole inside me... even though it seems so simple looking from the outside... just stop... even as I reach I'm screaming inside to stop myself... and I watch my arm extend I watch my fingers lengthen and I feel me grasp for what may save me this time
No comments:
Post a Comment