When I think about my loss, I am afraid that I will always be unwanted, alone, and not enough to be fully truly loved by someone... that I won't be enough to accomplish my purpose and be worthwhile... that i will always long for love and can't even love myself enough to not worry about others.
1. not really surprised by what came up... I knew those were my fears... they haunt me all the time.
2. Every relationship that ends... unwanted staff leave.. abandonment kids move... abandonment people don't reach for me... unwanted, not valued, people are agitated ... i take it personally...
3. my gut is where I feel it... deep like a punch that takes my breath away... it also aches deep in my heart like its oozing blood.
4. In my gut I'm chubby, I think in a big part as a protection to keep my solar plexus protected to keep pain away from the source of me, my belly button where my connection stated
5. It felt sad and overwhelming with feeling of not knowing how to kill the room to my fear, of seeing a week... knowing its bullshit but not knowing how to get rid of it for good... how to replace it with a beautiful garden of worth, love, acceptance, surrounded... supported... vibrant... abundant... infinite love joy bliss
6. The root of fears has grown so deep in the rich soil & it grows deeper and stronger and thicker... it consumes my thoughts and feelings...
7. the root is bland but grows in rich abundant soil filled with judgment... deception and hurt the week reaches and grabs for love in the bright blue world but its ignored and unreached for back because who wants to pick a weed?
8. the root of fear is bigger and stronger and grows
9. stop nurturing the week and root... stop feeding it with hyper grow
10. no... they are the beliefs that pop up on a regular basis... they are deep in my soul.
The last few months i have sat on her couch unraveling... holding a pillow over my chubby belly and explaining the art, I've drawn to figure me out... wondering why I feel so deep in my core... unwanted... easy to abandon... her words yesterday telling me what I already knew... that I focus on those who don't get me, and beg them to instead of just turning and looking at the eyes that adore me... the hearts that reach mine... I look at each of your faces and I see the circle I love, the women who make me stronger and who show me how to love me.
How fine it is to not know everything, but how exquisite it is to know this... in this moment here with you, I am enough, that listening to your words I'm whole... the pieces come together. I look at my moment standing on the edge of a cliff, just weeks ago, so much clearer... i see the beauty of the view... I still feel the warm breeze in my hair and feel the sum kiss my forehead... I feel honored to have take those moments in and had a sip of my truth... thanks for teaching me to listen to the words and the unwinds between them... for seeing whats in front of me and what's inside... for feeling the wind on my skin and the breeze in my soul... the words of women sustain me... build me...strengthen me... the holding space of women gives not only nourishment and nurturing but steady, solid strength... how fine it is to not know everything but to know enough for now...
1. It makes me feel small and unbelieving in my worth... scars and tears, but a slight glimmer of more of knowing... I'm in there somewhere
2. My heart has more hope and isn't quiet as lonely and lost.
3. My heart hurts and feels sorrow for the loss- but knows there is more inside me... it knows what I have forgotten, but hasn't been able to get me to understand. I knows a secret that i don't understand or comprehend
4. Green is the core surrounded by purple but its surrounded by a large tear drop of sorrow and clouded over by gray... the black are scars of hurt and unworthy and the teal is the bright vibrant of the secret...
5. That i want more, i want to believe in my worth and stand but I feel covered by the gray holding me from seeing the light clearly.
6. that the worth is there that i know on a deep level. I'm just trying to bring it to the surface, and be engulfed surrounded penetrated by it... integrated into every cell.
1. it brings it full circle, it completes and brings back color. gives vibrance and color... that the loss can bring about revitalization.
2. that i can't really lose what i am... that my worth is always in tact its just my belief about it. It may be dulled or hidden, but never gone. misplaced for bit but always in me.
3. the colors I have drawn to are bright and vibrant... the circles surround and secure - solid ... holding me safe.
4. the colors overlap and hold onto each other, the strokes from the brush aren't perfect but they are perfectly them... like me...
I did this one because I have my thought of my kite string holder... I've been trying to hold my own string... and i'm trying to be ok with that... is it wrong to want someone to hold it for me and let me fly? is it desperate to not want to be alone... or do i just surrender to the fact that i've mostly been alone and maybe thats what i will be....
When I think about my situation, it hurts to know that i've lost, my belief in my worth, my purpose. My ability to create the life I came here to live... that I am alone & unloveable... that I'm not enough or I'm an imposter that people only like me if they don't really know me... that I can't be here for myself and I can't trust anyone else to be here for me either... that I don't stand in my own light and power... that i'm afraid of what others think of me... that I have no idea what i'm doing and someone/people will find out... that what i look like is ultimately what matters ... ugly duckling to swan back to ugly duckling ... afraid of abundance and my powers in creating ... that i'm overlooked and under appreciated ... that I'll never step into my power and purpose, that my life here will be of no significance
1. I felt my loss in my heart like a dull ache and in my belly like my belly button that originally connected me to my mom, my source of life.
2. I still feel lost and alone... disconnected
3. that i have been drowning in raging ocean of worthlessness ... that there are sparks around me but i haven't had the strength or courage or even at times the knowing off how to incorporate them.
4. deep colors with bright above me... they can't penetrate the deep blue they would just mute themselves
5. the circles of light blue- how I go round and round swirling and finding no way out of he loss or not knowing how to transform it. those circles are swallowed up by the deep blue ocean of loss... dots of purple around me but not enough to connect me.
6. the drawing tells me that the loss has consumed me... its clouded over any worth in me & my life... that i don't know how to get out of my head to know how to do it but my soul can't figure out the path...
I'm no painter, but I love color... vibrant ... bold... and I love blank paper anticipating the first splash of life to transform and uncover purpose... I love the feel of the brush gliding thick with paint until its left it all on the page... then the dabbing of new color to start again... I love the wet silky texture as I smear it beneath my fingers... I love the idea of what was once all the same is changing and evolving into diverse colorful vibrant works of art... whether its paper or people. I love seeing vivaciousness peeking through the dull cloud that covered me... It feels open, raw and unraveled instead of coiled and knotted in fear. Nope I'm not a painter, but I'm the artist of my journey and I'm choosing to use all the love brush, bliss paints, peace glitter, wholehearted supplies I can find.
