Ho Ho Ho...
The holidays can be Ho Ho Hard...
I have struggled with the holidays most of my adult years...
It can be a stressful time of year, especially for single parents trying to figure it out on their own... when you don't have a partner to lean on and no matter the love you feel around you it can feel very lonely. The stress of making the holidays feel normal for your kiddos can have you over compensating and always trying to keep up.
I have this teetering of feeling so grateful for the love I have in my life, the support I do feel, and the lingering loneliness that weaves its way through the joy.
I love the holiday spirit... I love the giving and the love...
I love the excitement of children... and the way it brings people together...
The two traditions that I really love are doing Christmas cards (I send out lots) I have had my kids dress up in all kinds of outfits/costumes for them and now they are pictures of my growing family. And I love giving Christmas Eve pajamas, having everyone matching in some way or another.
The newer tradition that brings me joy are my Angel Uggs... it all started 6 years ago when I made an innocent comment about how the next year I would have a man in my life who would love me and would buy me Uggs... Instead my Sean got them to me that year in the sweetest way... and every year since I have gotten one or two tips that bought them for me. And it always reminds me that I'm thought of and loved.
And while I definitely don't want to down play how blessed I am... I also have this looming almost dread of the holidays... these days I'm not as worried about them financially because my kids are grown and that pressure is somewhat lifted. In someways it can be even more lonely now though because I don't have the distraction of my kids to get me through. Its also hard to admit the struggle, one more way that I can feel "different than". It can feel shameful to say it out loud that you feel alone. The need to feel like you have to be extra fun at a holiday party as to not notice that you came alone and will leave alone. I don't want to be Harriet Holiday spoiler, and I know I'm not the only one to feel this way at one time or another so I want you to know if you feel this... you aren't alone in the feeling.
I don't want to give some advice on how to push through the holidays, faking it until you make it... It's normal to feel joy about the holidays and blessings of the season AND still feel like you don't know how to belong and feel loneliness. I want you to know its ok to feel your feelings, to sit in the uncomfortableness of alone... to greet her and acknowledge her... I see you loneliness... I see you not feeling enough and I will sit with you until you you've got the attention you need to not fester into resentment. Be compassionate with yourself, let tears come if they need to and maybe even some anger let out in screaming (not at others but to just let the feelings move through)... And please please please reach out... I know its the hardest thing to do at this time and the thing you want to do the least because that just compounds the lonely feelings.... But reaching out and connecting are the ways to healing... Leaning in and feeling our way through this time can make it seem like instead of holding our breath, we are breathing in deep and letting ourselves exhale. Breathe sweet one, breathe.
