The Holidays can be Ho Ho Hard

Ho Ho Ho... 

The holidays can be Ho Ho Hard...

I have struggled with the holidays most of my adult years...

It can be a stressful time of year, especially for single parents trying to figure it out on their own... when you don't have a partner to lean on and no matter the love you feel around you it can feel very lonely.  The stress of making the holidays feel normal for your kiddos can have you over compensating and always trying to keep up.  

I have this teetering of feeling so grateful for the love I have in my life, the support I do feel, and the lingering loneliness that weaves its way through the joy.    

I love the holiday spirit... I love the giving and the love...

I love the excitement of children... and the way it brings people together...

The two traditions that I really love are doing Christmas cards (I send out lots) I have had my kids dress up in all kinds of outfits/costumes for them and now they are pictures of my growing family. And I love giving Christmas Eve pajamas, having everyone matching in some way or another.

The newer tradition that brings me joy are my Angel Uggs... it all started 6 years ago when I made an innocent comment about how the next year I would have a man in my life who would love me and would buy me Uggs... Instead my Sean got them to me that year in the sweetest way... and every year since I have gotten one or two tips that bought them for me. And it always reminds me that I'm thought of and loved.  

And while I definitely don't want to down play how blessed I am... I also have this looming almost dread of the holidays... these days I'm not as worried about them financially because my kids are grown and that pressure is somewhat lifted.  In someways it can be even more lonely now though because I don't have the distraction of my kids to get me through.  Its also hard to admit the struggle, one more way that I can feel "different than".  It can feel shameful to say it out loud that you feel alone.  The need to feel like you have to be extra fun at a holiday party as to not notice that you came alone and will leave alone.  I don't want to be Harriet Holiday spoiler, and I know I'm not the only one to feel this way at one time or another so I want you to know if you feel this... you aren't alone in the feeling. 

I don't want to give some advice on how to push through the holidays, faking it until you make it... It's normal to feel joy about the holidays and blessings of the season AND still feel like you don't know how to belong and feel loneliness.  I want you to know its ok to feel your feelings, to sit in the uncomfortableness of alone... to greet her and acknowledge her... I see you loneliness... I see you not feeling enough and I will sit with you until you you've got the attention you need to not fester into resentment. Be compassionate with yourself, let tears come if they need to and maybe even some anger let out in screaming (not at others but to just let the feelings move through)... And please please please reach out... I know its the hardest thing to do at this time and the thing you want to do the least because that just compounds the lonely feelings.... But reaching out and connecting are the ways to healing... Leaning in and feeling our way through this time can make it seem like instead of holding our breath, we are breathing in deep and letting ourselves exhale. Breathe sweet one, breathe.  

Equine Journey 7- I Would Like my Living to Inhabit Me

I would like my living to inhabit me...

It's been a few weeks since my round of equine ended...

Maybe I need to go to the pasture, and smell the neck of him...

My eyes fill with tears as I think of it...

Maybe I need to put my forehead to his, his third eye with mine for answers...

Maybe he holds what I haven't dared...

Maybe it's time to let him give it back to me...

Maybe the breeze from the river will bring us the peace we seek...

Maybe my hand on his chest, and the other on mine will remind me of the knowing I have...

Maybe his ability to hold space will give me the room to explore myself, and remember my deepest core...

Maybe I will find myself reflected in the pool of his deep brown eyes...

And maybe, just maybe, he will find himself in mine...

10-27-21

 

Equine Journey- 6 - Last Night Was a Releasing Ceremony

 Last night was a releasing ceremony...

I had written some things I wanted to let go...

I thought of the poems and written of my equine experience...

We walked down to the river...

Mostly silent...

Hoss running ahead, then running around us, keeping watch...

I stood by the edge of the river, I heard the babbling of the water...

I saw a river become two then back again to one...

The way the water just danced, where it danced over stones smoothing their edges...

I watch the sunset behind the mountain...

I close my eyes and breathe in deeply, as I lifted my head and arms...

The sage stick was moved around my body...

Making me more clear...

We walked to the small rock fire pit, and one by one spoke our truth and set our releases on fire...

The flame burned bright, then soft, then blazed again...

Like the burning of my soul...

I watch the smoke, almost mesmerizing as it rose and whirled...

The beautiful designs it made as it took what I was ready to release to the heavens...

I walked back to the stables in darkness, but felt more light inside me...

I looked around, the farm, a simple place, but holding space for me to wrestle what haunted me...

The horses to mirror back to me my deepest wounds and greatest gifts...

The women who built this container of love, where its safe to be vulnerable and authentic...

I am forever grateful.

9-29-21

Equine Journey 5- I Was Giddy to get Back to the Stable Last Night

 I was giddy to get back to the stable last night...  

I knew that each night there is different...

different mood...

different energy...

different demons to chase...

Last night it was my turn to watch others in the pen wrestling their own issues...

I stood with him as he waited his turn, and we watched another face herself in the mirror of the horse...

I leaned in and rubbed my hand on his neck, my fingers moved the hair from in front of his eyes...

I moved to smell the skin on his cheek, I love the strong jaw, and the smooth soft hair there...

He held space for my loving him, as we held space for those in the arena...

We've been there before, me once, him many times...

We knew that the pen was different for everyone...

As it came to be his turn to go into the pen, I put my forehead to his, where our third eyes could touch, then I kissed him there...

I moved to the other side of the pen as he entered with his partner this time, I watched as he galloped around the pen, the majestic move of his body the way he owned himself, and let himself be guided...

He knew what she needed like he had known that for me too...

I saw his alpha, the way he submitted, yet shown that he could take his control any time...

For me he had held space, and showed alphas can hold space for me without control...

That I can trust strong energy without being smothered...

That strong can be soft...

That leaning can be safe when there is stability to lean on...

That someone holding my kite string grounds me, and lets me fly...

9-22-21

Equine Journey 4- You Can Trust the Promise of This Opening

You can trust the promise of this opening... 

Last night I stepped into his stall, he continued to eat as if I weren't there...

The new type of halter confused me I felt awkward where I was...

I knew I was on the wrong side, but with some help i haltered him and led him to the pen...

Inside I un-haltered him...

I knew I needed to move him around me in a circle, to get him trotting around the pen...

My voice too timid, like the times I held in my words...

I know what it was like to be made to run around someone, and controlled by their commands...

Then from the wild freeing of another, I realized leading him wasn't controlling, by guiding to build trust...

I happened, i lead him with my voice and my body, some stops and restarts like my own life...

Then change his direction, I was breathing heavy and as we stopped it seemed as if he lost interest...

Then he turned to me...

Looking to me...

Connecting to me...

I turned with my back facing him, and he moved forward til he nudged my back...

I walked and he followed...

My confidence wavered leading him...

He felt it too, and stopped...

I thought the moment was finished, I accomplished what I needed...

I stood by the fence processing, and I felt a shift, his nose was at my back again...

Snuggling his head into me, I continue to talk and listen as I rubbed his neck or kissed his cheek...

He stood there holding space for my unraveling, and my pulling pieces back together...

He nibbled at my shoulder and when an aha happened he would nudge me...

Like yes, that more of that...

I didn't want our love moment to end...

When I haltered him, he leaned into it this time, I led him back to his stall...

As I took off the halter, Angie said... I want you to know he's the alpha horse, the alpha of the whole herd... 

Those weren't his normal behaviors...

He doesn't usually nudge like that, or snuggle up like that...

As I moved to the gate to leave, he raised his head, I noticed him turning to watch me...

He's also still intrigued with our connection...

I walked to my car, maybe a little skip, or gliding, I felt light and lifted...

That pen, this beautiful alpha horse, pushed me to remember an alpha man who controlled me, stalked me, and sometimes still haunts my dreams...

This alpha horse came to hold space for my old fears and my pains...

To help me gain more of my voice back, to unearth with his hooves in the dirt, what I thought was buried... 

To bring to light another layer to release...

And to nuzzle and lean into me with love, while I lean into my light and find whats been lost of my voice.

9-15-21

Equine Journey 3- This Horse I Don't Know His Name

 This horse I don't know his name...

We were to paint on his side like a canvas...

The time we felt safe, I drew a house with a heart...

My mama's house, I felt safe...

My home with my children, I felt safe with a circle of love protecting us...

Then we drew a time we felt unsafe, I drew a wedding ring the letters MRS, and then three small hearts to represent the three women who I felt saved me- my victims advocate, my therapist, and a friend who worked at jail...

The horse was mostly patient as I drew, some stomping and twitching....

Some uneasy backing up, and moving forward...

Some snuggling his head into me so I could lean in, and smell his neck for comfort...

As it was my turn to talk about my painting, the horse had my painting hidden against the fence...

It was a struggle to get to, like it's a struggle to show my pain...

When I rinsed him off, the picture remained on his side...

The colors were gone, but the picture remained, less colorful, less prominent, but still there...

That night I awoke in the middle of the night with an aha...

My safe place has never been with a man.

9-10-21

Equine Journey 2- Last Night I Went Into the Stall With You

Last night I went into the stall with you...

Just you and me...

I spoke softly to you as I slipped the halter over your nose, and pulled it over your head...

I guided you out of the stall, and into the arena...

As we walked together I knew the real guiding would be from you...

As I placed each word on your body, tears filled my eyes...

I saw myself in your look...

I know that each one held a memory, a person who put a word on me...

How I too just stood and took it on...

That the sadness in your eyes mirrored mine...

I knew that to get to the other side, I had to believe it was possible...

That my words were more powerful than anyone else's...

That to know these were really me...

As I unhooked the rope I held you with, I told you to be free...

My heart soared with you as you didn't just walk away, but you jumped and kicked as you ran free.

8-25-21