can you hear the rumble....It begins... June 2, 2017

The last few months I have supervised a program called New Hope... it has been the hardest months of my career... and seeing and hearing trauma of these girls has not only given rise to Secondary trauma in myself, but has also triggered some past trauma of my own... some things that I have talked about and some things I haven't shared with anyone... so I'm starting therapy this month, as I get news that my program is closing... so I will put here in this blog... some writings from these days and some therapy steps I will work... 


The only thing constant in life is change… I spent so much time digging in my heels and pulling against the cords of change… Begging for it to stay the same, begging people not to leave, but the truth is people leave and situations always change. I can't hold back the waters of change any longer. I can't hold the dam together anymore. I feel a flood coming, I hear the sound the weight of the water makes as it gushes towards me… The crackling of branches as it overtakes the bushes, the scrape of the rocks turning over on the soil,  I hear the rumble of the ground and feel the vibration under my feet as I sense the impending crash into me… I can no longer hold it back I can no longer pretend the pain away, I can no longer push against it and keep it at bay so I prepare and lay the groundwork for the unraveling of me… For the washing over of the water muddy and full of debris, sticks scratching my skin and rocks bruising my soul...I know that I will take in water, that holding my breath will only hold for so long... that I hope as I gasp and flail around I will find something to hang onto to, to ride through the crashing waves,  to not fight it anymore but to flow with it whatever it looks like, whatever it brings... the only safety lies in letting it all in. 

As the unraveling begins I am afraid… Afraid of what I will find under these layers I've lain and what lies hidden in the dark cold places of my soul… I know it's time and I've been preparing getting lined up with the buoys that I may need to grab, in cutting the lines to the anchors that may pull me under… There's a part of me that looks forward to the falling apart because my muscles are sore and weak from holding it together. There's a relief in knowing that I can't hold it any longer and while I look forward to the other side of this… I know also that I must really be in every moment of this journey….To find myself I must feel the sting of what I've avoided, that I must embrace the pain as it pierces my skin... that to truly heal I must reopen the infected wounds and let the air touch them, that unless I dig out the infection and smell the stench of it's rot,  I cannot pour the light in to clean and dress them with acknowledgment and self-love. So I anxiously look forward to this journey to lean in and feel it all and sometimes forcefully, sometimes gently let it go... 

6-2-17